Thursday, September 26, 2013

Of Wool and Vision

"Drawn fleece doth his vision occlude."

Nobody likes to be fooled. It makes us feel...well...foolish. So we've come up with alternative ways of saying "I got suckered". One of the more bizarre expressions is, "He had the wool pulled over his eyes."

Not sure if this refers to raw wool, fresh from the sheep, being dragged in a massive clump over someone's eye sockets or if it's meant to be more figurative. Perhaps the wool is woven into a blanket and thrown over the person's head. Modern textile manufacturing produces scores of  fabrics for making suitable blindfolds without any wool at all. A modernized version of this classic expression might be, "He had the cotton/polyester swatch pulled over his eyes."

And that sounds better than, "He's a dope."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Question on Everyone's Mind

"Pray tell the intent of the fox's recitation?"

I figured since everyone else is asking, "What does the fox say?" I might as well do it too.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

This Will Help The Teens

"Alas! A vexing affliction indeed, this mundane circumstance!"
Teenagers face a dilemma. They need to make sure we understand that they disapprove of virtually every aspect of life on Earth but they are loath to have conversations with adults. So youngsters have invented the single word sentence. "Boring!"

Actually it's, "Boooooooring!" The word is pronounced in a monotone groan, accompanied by rolled eyes and punctuated with an indignant huff at the end.

Teens, the tricked-up phrase at the top of the page says essentially the same thing and while it's way more words than you're comfortable speaking to your parents, you won't sound stupid uttering it. By all means, roll your eyes while reciting it...

Monday, September 23, 2013

Dad's Say Things Too

"Beget I am not from any form of currency!"

Dad had a few phrases that are worthy of noting. Among his favorite was his constant reminder, "I'm not made of money!" He reminded us of this often as if we were in doubt.

We weren't. He couldn't be made of money because he was often full of crap.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Mom Phrase #1

"Upon brickwork facade are these utterances cast forth?"


The most thankless aspect of motherhood seems to be (at least to me, an admitted non-mother) the dispensing of motherly wisdom. The practical pearls of acumen regularly bounce off the children's deaf ears before tumbling, unnoticed, into oblivion. My own dear mother would, from time to time, in response to our indifference toward her sage advice, ask the question, "Am I talking to a brick wall?"

Friday, September 20, 2013

A Snowball's Chance

"Kismet akin with a sphere of frozen precipitation in perdition situated."


To be used in response to:
  • "Will you be home by curfew?" when you're an hour from home and 3 minutes from curfew.
  • "What are the Republican candidate's chances in Chicago?"
  • "I'm serving liver to my toddler's birthday guests, think they'll like it?"
  • "I'm hanging on to these records for when Disco gets popular again."
  • "Let's invite those Mormons into the house so we can convert them to our religion."
  • "I'm going to make this marriage work as long as I feel like it."
  • "Let's go to Cheesecake Factory, I can probably find something that won't break my diet."
  • "Something is telling me this Lottery ticket is a winner!"
  • "Bought the deluxe gym membership because I'll be going in six days a week."
  • "The kids have been home alone all day, I hope they did some housework."
  • "Do you suppose my hard work will finally be noticed?"

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Mostly, I Care That It's Funny

"Simper and lo in totality the planet along with thee doth likewise!"

Awhile back I wrote a little story about three pigs and a wolf. I made the horrific mistake of claiming that my version of this tale was an "Old English" retelling.  Most people didn't notice. Most of the people who noticed didn't care.

But some people cared.
A lot.

Turns out my story is not "Old English". Far from it. Old English is nothing like present day English (or 'Modern English' for anyone getting ready to click the comment button to give me the proper term). If you don't believe me, borrow a quote from this blog and claim that it's Old English. Eventually you will encounter a passionate Old English aficionado who doesn't mind risking the perceived status of  "decent, kind-hearted human being" to condescendingly explain to you that only imbeciles don't know the difference between Homer's "The Odyssey" and anything Shakespeare wrote.

My three pigs story was just meant to be funny.  That's all I really cared about when I wrote it. It wasn't intended to be a serious response to Shakespearean literature.

And neither is this blog.

I'll post some common phrases, tricked up in what I'm tempted to call Old English but of course that's wrong, to make them more fun to articulate in colloquial vernacular. It makes me smile and as the phrase goes, "Smile and the world smiles with you."